So who's to blame for the failed church plant? That's a question I have wrestled with since long before I turned in my official notice at Hillside Church of Knoxville. There's many avenues I could point to, but for today, Im only going to expound on the internal portion. And by internal I mean, spiritually.
So who's to blame for this or, some of it? Look no further than the one writing this post. Me. Why though? Facebook, instagram, it all looked so fun, so inviting, so captivating. But that was a large issue. What was being posted and portrayed was a false image at the inner spiritual warfare taking place within the church. What I've had a difficult time wrestling with, was coping with the fact I was just not ready for this task. I was not ready emotionally, I was not ready mentally, worst off I was not ready spiritually.
I didn't have the courage to fully vocalize the way I felt God wanted this church to go. In the beginning, a few like minded families to ours came together to bring this vision to life. But unfortunately, what seemed like growth was actually the beginning of the downfall. Detrimental, actually, to the vision of the church we originally wanted to see blossom in Knoxville. And when I say we, I mean my family, our friends the Dechaines(whom were very important and prominent leaders in our church), and a few more from in the beginning who shared the vision of the church hillside was going to be. Which became one of my biggest issues, I was not emotionally tough enough, or spiritually mature enough to discern the warfare going on behind the closed doors of the church, amongst our team. Gas lighting, narcissism, and deceit being sown in our team. Ideals clashing. Legalism beginning to creep in, day by day, rule by rule(don't worry, this will be an episode in itself). Just to name a few things.
What was once a fire being flamed by eager hearts quickly became two polar opposite visions for, what we thought, would be God's Kingdom growth, spiraling at each other like two trains on the same track. Which, inevitably hit head on. The issue I have come to realize and now see, is my position and how I had the emergency brake in my hand but never chose to pull it. My discernment, while I felt it, was never vocalized as it should've been. As I said before, I witnessed repulsive instances, many many times, that should have been stopped, but instead I remained silent. Defeated and embarrassed at how it had turned out.
So where does the beauty come out? Trust me, until recently, I was still searching. As a matter of fact, I still search for some meaning. But what has come from the hurt, what has come from the pain, what has come from the deceit, is far greater that I could have ever imagined before. While stepping away from what you had helped create was devastating, the realization that for your mental health, the mental health of your family, but most importantly your spiritual health, the realization that the place you were now in was detrimental to your growth, the decision to leave was actually quite peaceful and looking back at it now, easy.
Now don't get me wrong, it took a lot of praying, a lot of fasting, and honestly a lot of angry talks with God. Those moments still arise, those questions still pop up and that's ok. But by removing ourselves(my family) from that toxic environment that had been created, we have grown ever closer to Jesus and ever closer together as a family. We've planted ourselves in the church we attend and are now members of, and the place it seems we always longed for, and have grown so in love with the leadership, the people, and the mission for the Gospel. Fellowship Church has been vital to the growth for our family, our spiritual health, and our mental health. More on this in another episode or blog post, about finding the right church for you and your family. But it's helped to realize the importance on standing firm on your stance, or in other words, being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually sharp for the coming trials. Finding that our hope, our strength does not come in the form of our own will, but our hope, our strength comes from the Father. Our advocate, Jesus. That's how we stand firm. Something I thought I did, something I thought I leaned on, until I didn't. The ole saying, "it works, till it doesn't." Perfect representation of you can make it in life, without Jesus, about as far as your two feet can take a step. But until your faith lies solely in the Spirit, you will fail every time.
Comments